As a practicing therapist for ten plus years, I have noticed patterns throughout my time working with clients. Similar issues come up over and over again, and I find that we all have so much more in common than we really think we do. One of those commonalities is how our attachment styles, informed by our early experiences and relationships underlie nearly everything we do, not just in relationships. Most people that come in for therapy with a situation in their romantic relationship are able to understand how their attachment style and/or issues affect their ability to be (or not be) intimate and connect with their partner, however it often goes over- looked at how attachment styles can also be connected to anxiety, control issues, overall self-esteem, our behavior in general, and our relationships with just about everything in our lives.
Attachment Theory, as it was coined by John Bowlby in the 1960s, describes our earliest attachments to our primary caregivers. The types of attachment – secure, anxious and avoidant – are all templates for which we seek to bond with people emotionally that are based on our first relationships with our parents when we are babies. Bowlby observed babies reactions as their mothers left the room and categorized them as:
Secure – the babies were distressed but then quickly re- gulated as they trusted their mother would return, be- cause she was consistently attuned to the baby’s needs and emotions. Securely attached babies grow into con- fident adults who feel secure within themselves and the world around them. They generally trust people, they trust themselves, they don’t play games, and they are able to communicate their needs and feelings as they know they are important.
Anxious – the babies were distressed and nervous when mom left the room and were unable to calm down even when mom returned and held them, because mom had been inconsistent. Sometimes she was available and attuned and other times mis-attuned and preoccupied. Anxious babies grow into anxious adults who are described as clingy or needy and have a fear of abandonment. They tend to have low self-esteem and need a lot of reassurance in relationships.
Avoidant – the babies seemed to be unbothered when mom left the room and also when she returned, as mom had been unavailable (sometimes due to mental or physical illness or addiction), leading to a fear of intimacy, rejection and closeness. Trust wasn’t fostered in this first relationship therefore these people tend to have difficulty trusting anyone, the world, and themsel- ves. They often feel smothered when someone wants to get close to them, and are very self-sufficient, having a difficult time asking for help or talking about their feelings.
Many people these days, thanks to social media, have become aware of their attachment styles. Usually this is explored in how we relate to another in a romantic context because this is when these issues are really triggered. However, it is often overlooked how our attachment style can impact every facet of our lives, as the way we show up in relationship is the way we show up at work, for ourselves, in our friendships, how we relate to money, food, our health and life in general. It is the underlying organizing structure that informs our behavior. Do we feel insecure about ourselves and our choices? Do we avoid talking to our friends about our real feelings? Do we avoid looking at our bills or mail? Do we constantly fear we will get fired? Are we sensitive to criticism? Do we have bad boundaries? Are we controlling?
Attachment related issues can show up everywhere, and it might be beneficial to explore how our attachment styles can create problems in areas we might not have thought of before such as work, within our friendships, or with money. The best way to deal with and resolve attachment issues is to work with a therapist so that we can really understand how our relationships with our parents impacted us. It’s really not as simple as, “I had a great childhood,” because it’s far more complex than that. It’s true that we may have had a “great child- hood,” or that we have/had great parents, but that they were still unable to meet our needs in some ways. It’s not one or the other and most often it’s both because no one is perfect, even if our parents did the best they could.
To learn more about your attachment style, go to ht- tps://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-sty- le-quiz/